Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in swoboda23's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, March 24th, 2007
10:14 pm	crap I've done everything someone who is alone and depressed can do. I've downloaded angry music and sad music. I've stuffed myself with chips and cheese and chili and noodles and soda. Now I'm crashing from the carbs. I never should've broken up with Larry. No matter how shitty it was he would at least be here for me now. I could call him in tears and tell him why I'm so sad. I find it extremely pathetic that my last resort is the internet: the internet and my crappy blue october song that is fucking AWESOME for my situation. I'm talking on msn to my friend Alex in Iraq. This could either be good that I can realize I used to talk to people, or very very depressing. What are you supposed to say to someone in his position? I'm just asking stupid questions. (Is everything going alright?) He's dealing with far worse shit that me, and he's fine. Here I am being a cry face with nothing wrong. I mean people are pissed at me, but I know very well that things will be fine in a month or two. They say that you are supposed to find yourself in highschool. Well I knew God damn well who I was back then, and I wouldn't let anyone tell me differently. Now shit it all messed up. I know who I would like to be, but it's nothing like who I am. I don't even know who I am. Alex asked me what was new. I was forced to reply nothing. I don't know; I broke up with Larry; I'm moving to Portland. Neither have changed my position. Larry still yells at me. I yell at him, and I am in Wisconsin. Every moment that I remain here I can sense my IQ dwindling. Poor Mr Wiggles, being stuck in Larry's nasty ass house. I hope I can fall in love with someone who will love me for more than a year next time. Before I could even think of that I need to get my own shit in order. Everything feels so fucked up. I need to stop using the word I. I am very selfish. How do you make a kleenex dance? put a little boogie in it! Current Mood: crappy Current Music: silence (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 20th, 2007
4:18 pm	binge nightmares After the whirl wind, I'm an alcoholic week of spring break 07 (it was jumboLARGE!) I'm getting terrible nightmares. I usually dream a lot if I don't drink at all before I sleep, but these fuckers are bad. Yesterday I dreamed that me and a bunch of my friends were being stabbed one by one, and they got all bloody. I was the only one to make it out alive. They took me to a hospital, but the person found me there and they stabbed me in my side. I ran outside, but they followed my blood. Wah! Last night I dreamed that I was driving drunk and hit someone. A cop was there right away and he tried to arrest me, but I flirted with him and he went back to his car. I went to a party and Larry was sleeping with this tiny little blond chic. We started yelling and yelling and yelling and then I got the fear... You know in dreams when nothing scary may be happening but you're fucking terrified. So I thought Larry was going to kill me. And I'm not gonna lie, I thought the past tense of dream was drempt. :) So... I'm not sure why I get these dreams because I'm not a dark/satanic person, pessimistic maybe, but definitely not into death and gore. It gives me an excuse to drink though. hah. "I drink to get rida the nigh'mares from NAM!" I don't start work until friday, so this whole week is being extremely boring. I smoke again, I'm not dieting, working, or being worthwhile. This means I've ended up with a cold none. At least the weather is getting warmer. I really believe that I have seasonal depression because as soon as it's nice out again I'm fine. I don't mind being broke and living at my parents house because it's sunny and warm and Fuh uck ing beautiful out. :) Larry just called. He always makes plans with me and then breaks them. Maybe I do that to him. Translation or something like that. In any case I need a much cuter smarter hippy man to snuggle and love. We can naked wrestle and end up with hippy children that wear birkenstocks and can name all the senators. So two cows are eating some hay and one cow says to the other "I was artificially inseminated today." The other cow is like "No way!" And cow #1 says "Seriously, no bull." Current Mood: restless Current Music: rehab-sitting at the bar (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 15th, 2007
6:26 pm	booti I've spent the day looking at all my old pictures, crying, and re-applying my mascara. I really miss Eleanor and Casey. I finally figured out what I am going to give them for Christmas/Casey's birthday. This dean koontz book is very fitting to my life (I'm sure the English teacher wife would have something to say about that sentence). It's two stories that haven't intertwined yet. One is about a physical therapist that pushed his wife off a look out point while hiking in Portland. Then he had hematoemis or something like that, it's when you puke till you spit out blood. So, the paramedics came and I loved how Dean koontz explained how happy this character was at all the things that the paramedics did to help. I'm starting to get used to the idea of myself riding in an ambulance for a job. I'm just worried about the decapitations... In any case, the other story has no pertinence (now that I've become an alcoholic bum I'm incapable of spelling) to my life. I can't wait to go eat a fucking picnic in some beautiful Portland forest. I hope Eleanor and Casey realize that I'm going to force them to drive weird places with me on the weekends. Me and Larry broke up, and I moved back into my parent's house. It's actually the best thing that I've done for myself in a long time. Larry's house always smelled like piss and shit. It seemed like everything was broken, but then things kept breaking or peeling or smelling more like piss and shit, so I realized that it can still get worse. My parent's house is clean and awesome. I feel like a princess walking up the stairs to my princessy bed. I'm glad I had the experience of living like a hill billy though. It's made me so much more appreciative of what I do have. Julia and I have been hanging out a lot. We spend our time going to this guy's house out in the boondocks of Wisconsin. Julia gets into a lot of fights when she's wasted. She's tried to hit me and Irena with the car, smacked Irena in the face with her purse, been tackled by this fat lady that held her down and pulled out her hair (heh heh), and God knows what else. I think it's funny. I'm drinking Jimmy tonight. I'd rather be drinking Jimmy in Portland. ho hum. OH YEAH! and I got a freaking job at Potbellies. I'm so happy I can make bomb-ass sandwiches for people, and give them to my friends! Arrrrrrrr.... Julia makes me smoke in this room alone because her new boytoy and his Hollister-esque man things don't like it. >:( this does not look good for homestarrunner. today seems like a very important day. I think I (sigh) found myself. I am booti. Current Mood: peaceful Current Music: I'm not ready to make nice-dixie chics (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, September 11th, 2006
5:22 pm	internet I finally got my damn internet connected. I was half-drunk when this dude from west africa came over. He took an hour an didn't even get in connected. Me and Julia finished off the rum, vodka, wine, and beer before being wasted and going to some party. I tried to fight this dumb-ass skinny blonde, but I was grabbed by Julia on the way to the basement. I went to Larry's packer-bear party on Sunday. I might win the football pool even though I picked the teams depending on what color their uniform's were. I had 15 points on Jacksonville, and they ended up winning. I find out if I win after the games are done tonight. Larry doesn't seem to understand that a relationship can't work if you only see each other on Friday's, drunk, and yelling at each other. Though I guess it's better than spending everyday drugged out on the couch counting each other's needle marks. I'm really glad that I left san francisco (the only needle marks i've ever had are from giving blood by the way), but me and larry still seem to have a long distance relationship. My hedgehog is pissed because the weather has gotten so much colder in the last few days. He flung his bedding all over the floor when he was making his nest. I should get him one of those little roll-a-bed thingys. I already wish it was summer again. Current Mood: bored Current Music: silence (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
3:58 pm	Home I just started my diet today. It went pretty well till I went over to Larry's and ate a fajita and ramen. Home is pretty boring. I think that I need to get away from Larry's house a little bit more. Julia called me today, and she said that she wanted to get drunk, so I think her, Brandon, and I are going to do that somewhere... Probably not though. Larry has some stupid ultimate fighting thing on Saturday, so I get to be wasted with my friend then. I want to go shopping tomorrow. It sounds better than doing laundry. My dad is making dinner tonight. HIm and my brother are making some fancy version of chicken, potatoes, and asparagus. Current Mood: FUCKING BORED Current Music: nothing (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 10th, 2006
12:23 am	Larry We went to Alcatraz and a Giants baseball game. Current Mood: drunk Current Music: wonderful day-oar (Comment on this)
Monday, May 8th, 2006
12:39 am	alcatraz We are angrya bout the same thing. Nobody knows except the two of us. Moving on, we went to Alcatraz and we had a good time, until the night. I don't even know what is going on. Current Mood: pissed off Current Music: forever-ben harper (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, May 6th, 2006
2:24 pm	Larry Larry is here now. It took a good two hours before I was used to him. We snuggled, and then went to lunch with Casey and Eleanor. Everything seems to be fine, but like I said it's been a year since we've been together. He shaved his stomach just under his pecs, so it looks like a manolantern. Hah, he also has sun tan lines from his hat and from his sunglasses. Its so weird being around a guy again. I'm so used to only girls. I love him. Current Music: Local God-everclear (Comment on this)
Friday, May 5th, 2006
10:41 am	early morning ramen I think that I woke my roomate up by starting up the microwave, but I really wanted some food. I sucessfully put what happened last night into the back of my mind, so I really don't need to think about. Tonight is going to be awesome. We are going to El Balazo on Haight street for lunch, and using Eleanor's mom's credit card. After that I need to shower and clean my room to get ready for Larry, who is coming tomorrow morning. Then it's corona time! Current Mood: fuzzy teeth Current Music: nothing-roomate asleep (Comment on this)
1:36 am	drunk We went to some crazy party, took a taxi. Something happened, but I decided to forget it. We drank tequila afterwards to forget what happened. Now, we are eating taquitos to make up for the tequila. It was a very ODD night. Tomorromow, or today is cinqo de mayo, and the day after that larry is here. Kate is in my room, it's funny that we are room mates, and when she is in the room I say that she is in MY room. Adios! Current Mood: why is this face green? Current Music: meet virginia- train (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 3rd, 2006
2:03 am	frickin wide-awake Last weekend was a really good time. Friday night Casey, Eleanor, Norma Jean, and I went to a club a block off of Geary. We were hailing a cab by campus, and this girl was getting out. We told her to come to the club with us, so she did. We waited in line, but they weren't letting many people in. I got in, but no one else was by me, so I left again. We ended up sneaking in thru a window. I was pure wasted. I peed in the men's bathroom. Saturday night we went to a party at 4th and Balboa. There were shit loads of people standing outside. I went straight to the keg, but they said that it was tapped. I picked it up and insisted that it was still 1/3 full, simply improperly tapped. I made this random guy dave retap in several times until it worked. I sucked on the nozzel MANY times, and filled random water bottles up with SamAdams before we went outside for a cigarette. We all kissed David, and then the cops came. After walking a block down and unsuccessfully waiting for the cops to leave we followed some punky people to a supposed party a few blocks away. We walked 8-blocks, and found a night-yard sale. I nicked a bright yellow salmon shaped vase. It's fucking awesome. There was no party, so we took a cab back to campus. Good times... Tonight I drank a vault and an energy drink, so I'm wide awake even though I wish that I was asleep. I'm guessing that this entry is going to be ungodly long. Larry is coming on Saturday. We sort of fought without speaking to each other. We hadn't talked all day. Larry got wasted with his friends and watched a DVD of two of his friends in some fight match from a few months ago. How guy-like, psh. So I got mad about all sorts of related/un-related things. We still haven't talked. Wouldn't it be weird if he just showed up here Saturday, but we still hadn't talked? I'll continue to eat baked cheetos and hang around the internet for another hour or two. Happy Happy Joy Joy Current Mood: energetic Current Music: officer-slightly stoopid (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 27th, 2006
11:59 pm	later tonight... ok, so now I am drunk. No one else is, well maybe the big gay indian makaw, but he's indian. We're talking about weird sexual shit. I showed makaw my vibrator. WEIRD. I'm still sad, it's weird being sad and drunk. I'm not usually like this. Our professor was talking about seasonal depression, and I was (glad?) that he had it too. That's a large factor in why I am leaving San Francisco. It's so freaking depressing when it rains for two months at a time. makaw says "if you ever meet a guy who wants to fuck you in the ass, he's totally gay..." girls don't have prostates apparently. I never thought of it apparently. Current Mood: drunk Current Music: Wondering-widespread panic (Comment on this)
11:00 pm	bipolar day I slept through class again, which is depressing. I skipped out in the middle of psychology class because it was a really nice day. Though I didn't spend any time inside, I just went inside and laid on my bed. Me and Casey went to Mervyn's after she was done with psych. class. We didn't find anything, but at least I got to go tanning over there. After a quick dinner we went to "The New Patron Saints". It was about a bunch of gay people, and a few non-gay people who all had sex or wanted to have sex. Overall it was pretty good. I've been sad all day, even though all these good things have happened. Eleanor called me the most-impatient-person-she-knows, and also snippy. So, that doesn't help my sel-image very much. I just need to be away from here, back home, with a job. By the way, I'm two-hundred dollars in dept, and apparently I like hyphens a lot today. I wish I was happier. I need to get into Marquette. I bet I won't. That's depressing too... Current Mood: stressed Current Music: Yeah! Usher (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 26th, 2006
12:28 pm	I'm back Now that I am somewhat cognizant... cognicent... cognazant... I need some food and some serious hydration. I really can't remember much from last night. Though I know that I took a shower around 3 a.m. I hope that I didn't call Larry because I tend to yell at him when I'm wasted in the morning. OH NO! I just remembered I think I did talk to him. He told he worked manual labor, and that he had to sleep. I texted him that eleanor works manual labor and that she talks to me. So yes, I need to call him and apologize. Mostly because Eleanor does not work manual labor. Current Mood: lazy Current Music: the voices in my head (1 Comment |Comment on this)
2:14 am	drunk on tuesda y Hey! I have to say that I am fairly wasted. Far more than my journal makes out. Casey is bringing shampoo and towel for elea nore. Arrr! wHAT / a weird night. I hate to say it, but the year is almost over. We are listening to jack josnson before casey comes back. You know what, i am wasted. Please, understand, even thou noone else listening. It is time for me to go back home. here we go! Current Mood: groggy Current Music: jack johnson- flake (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 22nd, 2006
11:20 pm	little moments 1# If you were a straight man it would be a completely different story. But you aren't, somehow you are straight. 2# You fight way to often. As close as we are, I am not that unreasonable. I'm sorry but if someone loves you that much you can never give that up, no matter what kind of cat and mouse game you need to feel loved. 3# You are my everything. You are me in my most basic form. Without you I would be nothing. 4# Don't let her belittle you. Alone, once you were able to find yourself you will be the most amazing, smart, person ever. Never let anyone tell you different. 5# We would've been great friends if you wouldn't have fallen in with the wrong crowd. I'm sorry that you let them make your social decisions for you. You could be such an amazing person. 6# I know that it is hard to be a good person growing up the way that you did. If you really try to realize the truth I know that everything will be alr4ight. Hve a good life, because we won't be together much longer... Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: death cab- lack of color (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 16th, 2006
9:37 pm	concert Me and Bridgette went to Umphreys at the Fillmore last night. We were wasted by 6 o'clock, and Bridgette made-out with three people, then Eleanor came up from San Mateo and gave us a ride there. We got inside and bought t-shirts, went to the front row, and then Bridgette had to puke. She puked for 3 hours! Nurses came in and asked if she needed help, so I decided it was time to go. She puked for half an hour outside whilst bums were telling us how many times they had puked like she was. We finally got a taxi that she made me pay for. Psh. She puked a little more and then passed out. I got to have a final cigarette. We went out with my uncle tonight. Same old chinese place, and I ate to much as usual. My stomach is sticking out in all sorts of weird places. Meh, Larry is nice enough to say that he doesn't care, so I'm ok with it... ok I'm definately not ok with it. I need to quit smoking so I can stop being broken. That's what Larry called it, being broken. It was a little disconcerting. I'm winging my bio. test tomorrow, which may turn out to be passing. I also have a paper due on Tuesday, but its half way done. I'm not doing anything productive. Current Mood: full Current Music: Mutaytor (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, April 14th, 2006
9:16 pm	pizza Bridgette gets in tonight at 12, but she won't get to campus for awhile after that. Me and Casey are chilling on campus. I just ordered a dominos 555, cheese, beef, and pepperoni. This is the exciting life of Laura Swoboda. I got some jager and some bourbon deluxe. mmmmm. Larry is on his way to Kentucky to see his dad for easter. He had to drive through tornado weather in Indiana, and I was really worried about him. He's going to drink tonight for the first time in a long time. I wonder what he will have to say when he calls. We tend to get mad at each other when we get really drunk, ah, little alcoholics in training. I haven't seen Randi in awhile. I wonder what she has been up to. Eleanor is down in San Mateo with her family for Easter. Damn, I wish that I was home for Easter. Then again Larry wouldn't even be there, so what would be the point. I have a shitload of work to do that I haven't even started doing. This sucks. time to get drunk. Wish me luck! Current Mood: thirsty Current Music: Clint Eastwood- Gorillaz (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 11th, 2006
10:15 pm	It's still raining here in San Francisco. It's so horribly depressing. I talked to Larry quite a bit, but I was starting alot of arguments cause I'm fairly depressed today. I talked to my aunt about my test results and she said that there were three stages before cancer, and I was on the second. As long as I quit smoking, eat a lot of antioxidants, and get a lot of sleep I should be ok. It's gonna be fucking hell quitting smoking. Eleanor and Casey said that they would quit with me. Casey said that we shouldn't make a big deal out of it, and I agree with her. It's easiest to not smoke when you just don't think about it. I really hope that everything works out alright, I've never had anything this scary happen to my body. Current Mood: blah Current Music: One Particular Harbour- Jimmy Buffet (Comment on this)
Monday, April 10th, 2006
10:58 pm	Well I'm back from Wisconsin. It's a good Monday night, and I am continually back-spacing for spelling errors. Randi, Eleanor, and Casey are in my room right now. We are drinking in honor of Larry getting out of jail today. Now I can call him anytime, day or night, so that is pretty exciting. I just got my test results back, and the doctor said that I have a one in ten chance of developing cervical cancer, but Eleanor said that her mom had cervical cancer and she just got it scraped out. Even if it developes I should be able to take care of it. I'm more in love with larry than ever. He is such a sweetheart. He goes to church now, and is trying to take care of all of his bills. He is so amazing. I can't wait to move back to Milwaukee and be with him every weekend. My parents are shelling out 700 a month for my rent, so I just need to take care of the other 200 for my two bedroom loft. I need to go and take another shot cause my abdomen is hurting pretty bad. I hope that it is nothing serious. Today in bio. lab my T.A. said he would through a drinking party for the end of the year. I turned around with a starfish in my hand and said "a kegger???". Yes, with three question marks. Everyone, go meet your shot. Laura Current Mood: pain Current Music: jimmy buffet (1 Comment |Comment on this)